Place your bets over at Thommo’s blog

Babies willing all will be revealed on Wednesday!

There’s a whole lot of guilty feelings tied up with the good ones this pregnancy.

Guilt for those that have been left behind – for my friends and acquaintances who are still trying and hoping for their precious blessing.  It’s so hard knowing that people who would make the most wonderful parents are struggling to get there while here I am blessed with another 2.

Mother-guilt, oh there’s a touch of mother-guilt in everything you do that isn’t directly for your children.  I am a hideously boring mummy at the moment, most days spent on the couch feeling miserable and sorry for myself.  Patience levels are low and crankiness is high.  Not a great mix with 2 energetic toddlers.

Guilt at being a crappy wife – my husband goes to work, then comes home and takes over the children, tidies the house, cooks dinner, runs out to get anything I’m craving and puts up with a lot of hormones and tears.  He’s done all this with much grace but it is still hard not to feel guilty as he cleans while I lay on the couch.

Fears – whole lot of fears in the package too, can I bake these babies long enough to ensure they’re strong and healthy at birth?  Am I eating enough to give them all the nutrients they need?  How am I going to cope with 2 toddlers and 2 newborns?  Will I miss out on important parts of the boys toddlerhood while I’m in the newborn fog?

I’m finding it hard to switch off my brain at the moment, so there are lots of thoughts and lots of tears, I guess the reality of 2 new babies on their way is slowly starting to set in.

I’m 15 weeks now, twins are growing beautifully and doing everything they should but my oh my is it hard work. Exhaustion is 24/7, morning sickness is daily, sometimes just in the morning and sometimes all day, food aversions are making eating HARD, as is the reflux. Yesterday it honestly felt like something was trying to claw it’s way up my throat.

I have days of feeling heavy heavy heavy in my pelvis, I think it coincides with the twins having a little growth spurt. Sleep is very interrupted with lots of waking and tossing and turning.

But I have started to feel flutters of movement and yesterday I had 2 quite firm kicks so I think it won’t be long until Thommo can feel the babies move too. Those flutters make up for everything and remind me about what all this discomfort is for. We’re going to have 2 beautiful new members for our family, 2 squishy little babies to snuggle and love and watch grow. How awesome is that?

Journey to 4!

After weeks of jokes from friends about there being more than 1 baby I started to get a little paranoid. We had an early scan booked for next Tuesday but since hubby was home today we thought we’d try and make it for today.

I rang the radiologist at 9.15am and they said they had an available appointment at 10:20am, which gave me 5 minutes to drink the required 1 litre of water.

I’m fairly certain getting pregnant women to drink that amount of water and hold it for a minimum of an hour before pressing around directly ON their bladder is some kind of modern torture method.

As soon as the radiologist started the scan I could see my nice full bladder, then she moved a little to the left and I could see 2 circles. I immediately thought “Uh oh, all those jokes are coming back to bite us!”. She was quiet for a looooong time and busy scanning. Then she asked if we were planning on keeping the baby, ummmm yes, of course we are, what an odd question! Then she announced, it’s twins! Congratulations you’re having twins!

There was laughter and tears. Both babies are measuring right where they should be and there were 2 beautiful little hearts beating.

A shock, but a blessing. A huge blessing. A whole new journey!

I jumped on the scales this morning for the first time in months and was horrified. Let’s get this straight from the start, I’ve never been a “small” person, I’ve always had plenty of extra padding. The problem this morning was the scales decided to show me the highest number I have ever seen (for myself), not good.

We are planning on birthing this baby at home, which means we need both myself and baby to be as healthy as possible. The extra weight is placing extra strain on my body and that creates risk.

Obviously, I’m pregnant so losing a lot of weight is not going to be wise, but I will be aiming to get as fit and strong as possible both mentally and physically. And I will be consulting with my GP to ensure that whatever I do is in the best interests of our precious Little Bean.

My stomach doesn’t like it when I’m pregnant. I threw up at least once a day through out both my pregnancies from about 6 weeks onwards. And it’s looking like this one will be the same.

Started last night with my sense of smell being a bit off. Then this morning I had a long list of can’t haves/don’t wants when it came to breakfast. No milk or cheese, no eggs (the smell, urgh!) and I didn’t want toast.

I’m very much feeling the urge to eat well this pregnancy, to nurture myself and my little bean. But it’s really really hard when the smell, thought or texture of food makes you want to hurl.

I settled for a 2 minute noodle sandwich this morning, it was quick and easy and I was starving. But I can rule those off my list of “can eat” now, the slippery texture of the noodles had me gagging. Lunch was some little chicken balls that I had on hand for the boys, the smell of them coming out of the bag and while they were in the oven was too much.

I’m planning on making extras at dinner time so I can have leftovers for breakfast. Now I just need to figure out an easy, healthym, scent free option for lunch and I’ll be right!

Remember how I was lamenting our lack of baby making efforts and awaiting the arrival of good old Aunt Flo?  Well, funny story, this morning I woke up, temped as per usual. Temp had dropped so I figured I’d go POAS to get it out of my system, get my BFN, have a cry and move on ready for next cycle.

All I had on hand was internet cheapies, figured it wasn’t much of a loss to use one of those so pee-ed in a cup, dipped and waited. Had a quick look at the stick on my way back to bed (did I mention it was 6am?). Had a second look at the stick. WTF?? A line?? Huh???

So rush into the bedroom, shaking, pounce on the bed and wake husband up to tell him I’m off to get a decent test. 15 minutes later I’m back from Safeway with a First Response. Here’s where peeing in a cup comes in handy. Walk straight in the house, rip open the packet, dip and wait.

Anxiously watch the pee cross the little window. The line is almost instant. More shaking. Huge grin. Whole lot of giggling. Text message 2 BFF’s results before telling husband in next room. Priorities.

Walk in to bedroom and wish hubby a very happy early birthday. An early Christmas present is on the way. EDD 13th December. Wow. I’m pregnant.  Squeeeeeeeeee!  Here’s proof:

There was a brief moment this week where I chose to entertain some hope. My mood was positively chipper when normally at this point in my cycle I’m a bitch on wheels, and I vomited twice in 24 hours (I get 9 months worth of morning sickness when pregnant). So I started to hope.

Today I’m 9DPO and my temps are doing the same thing they did last cycle and bitchiness has hit. So I’m guessing good ol’ Aunt Flo will be visiting on Sunday as per her schedule. I don’t think I’m even going to bother buying tests when we do the grocery shopping tomorrow, so unlike me!

This cycle is an interesting one, despite very little TTC action (once 3 days prior to ovulation and once the day before) due to unwell littlies, there have been a few “omens” that are possibly giving me more hope than I should have.

The omens revolve around my husband’s grandmother. Friday 19th March was the one year anniversary of her passing. I got my positive opk on the Sunday after. I will be 12dpo and therefore due to test or for AF on my husband’s birthday which was also his grandmother’s birthday.

I was never much of a believer in such things until Lewis was born in 2008. Hubby’s grandfather passed away early afternoon, I went into labour early that evening and Lewis was born 2.5 hours later. My mother believes that when a person passes they open a doorway for another to be born. She was fairly adamant that I would go into labour as soon as she heard of the passing of hubby’s grandfather.

So, omens, signs, doorways…do you believe?

Clomid and I have a love-hate relationship. I love because it has given me 2 beautiful children and will hopefully give me another. Hate it for the side effects and just generally hate that I need to take it to have children.

I don’t get side effects while I’m taking the Clomid, the side effects for me generally hit after I ovulate. I get short tempered, moody, irrational, illogical and just plain bitchy. I sink into horrible moods and find it so hard to haul myself back out of them. It’s generally 2 weeks of arguments and crying and whinging. Fun times.

It is a HUGE strain, a huge strain on family life, on my mental health and on my marriage. I hate being so snappy and mean, that’s not the Megan I know or want to be.

At the end of each cycle I do think “is all this hurt really worth it?”. But if we stop, then we’d be dealing with a whole other stress, we’d be dealing with the grief of feeling our family isn’t complete and not being able to do anything about it.

It’s a hard road, there’s lots of re-evaluating going on all the time. The end result will be worth it. I can see that in the 2 darlings who bring me so much joy.