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There was a brief moment this week where I chose to entertain some hope. My mood was positively chipper when normally at this point in my cycle I’m a bitch on wheels, and I vomited twice in 24 hours (I get 9 months worth of morning sickness when pregnant). So I started to hope.

Today I’m 9DPO and my temps are doing the same thing they did last cycle and bitchiness has hit. So I’m guessing good ol’ Aunt Flo will be visiting on Sunday as per her schedule. I don’t think I’m even going to bother buying tests when we do the grocery shopping tomorrow, so unlike me!

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This cycle is an interesting one, despite very little TTC action (once 3 days prior to ovulation and once the day before) due to unwell littlies, there have been a few “omens” that are possibly giving me more hope than I should have.

The omens revolve around my husband’s grandmother. Friday 19th March was the one year anniversary of her passing. I got my positive opk on the Sunday after. I will be 12dpo and therefore due to test or for AF on my husband’s birthday which was also his grandmother’s birthday.

I was never much of a believer in such things until Lewis was born in 2008. Hubby’s grandfather passed away early afternoon, I went into labour early that evening and Lewis was born 2.5 hours later. My mother believes that when a person passes they open a doorway for another to be born. She was fairly adamant that I would go into labour as soon as she heard of the passing of hubby’s grandfather.

So, omens, signs, doorways…do you believe?

Clomid and I have a love-hate relationship. I love because it has given me 2 beautiful children and will hopefully give me another. Hate it for the side effects and just generally hate that I need to take it to have children.

I don’t get side effects while I’m taking the Clomid, the side effects for me generally hit after I ovulate. I get short tempered, moody, irrational, illogical and just plain bitchy. I sink into horrible moods and find it so hard to haul myself back out of them. It’s generally 2 weeks of arguments and crying and whinging. Fun times.

It is a HUGE strain, a huge strain on family life, on my mental health and on my marriage. I hate being so snappy and mean, that’s not the Megan I know or want to be.

At the end of each cycle I do think “is all this hurt really worth it?”. But if we stop, then we’d be dealing with a whole other stress, we’d be dealing with the grief of feeling our family isn’t complete and not being able to do anything about it.

It’s a hard road, there’s lots of re-evaluating going on all the time. The end result will be worth it. I can see that in the 2 darlings who bring me so much joy.

Virtually no babymaking at the right time around here this cycle. Least I know for sure not to get my hopes up this time.

After my woe is me post last night I recieved this beautiful email from a dear friend today:

Hey beautiful girl,

Your last blog entry really upset me. I hate that you are feeling like you are alone and do not belong. I also hate myself for inflicting my stupid little nuances and freakouts on you, when we have only been at this for a couple of months, and you have had your heartbroken over and over again for over a year.

Just because you already have two beautiful boys does not make you less deserving of a child than a first timer. You deserve to have a hundred children. You have an enormous heart filled to the brim with love, and you should be able to share that love with as many children as possible.

I know over the past couple of years I’ve been a pretty sucky friend. I didn’t get it. I missed the “old” Megs. How stupid was I? The wonderfully strong woman, the wife and mother you have become makes me in awe of you. I want to be just like you. I want to follow in your footsteps.

I know some days are really tough for you and this journey is heartbreaking and soulwrenching and altogether destroying, but in this case I guess the end really does justify the means.

Look at your boys and smile honey, because they are why you are doing this. They make it all worthwhile and they will give you strength to keep doing what you have to do.
Just remember that you are never alone.

Talk to you soon darling.

 

I have beautiful friends who are ready to pick me up whenever I’m down.  Sure they might make me bawl my eyes out in the process, but my oh my do they make me feel loved, special and walked with.  They might not be able to travel the journey with me, but they sure as heck stand cheering on the side lines. 

And the best bit, I have several of them who look after me so well.  How truly lucky am I?

This journey is a lonely one. Yes, I have friends who I can confide in and a husband to hold me when I cry. But at the end of the day, their lives continue while I’m swallowing pillows, injecting and pee-ing on sticks.

Many forums have TTC threads but even there it’s hard to find a place where I belong. In the standard threads I’m too cynical, have been hurt by this journey too many times and seen others hurt worse than me to be able to look at it with any kind of joy. And the ever increasing pregnancy count cuts like a knife. The long term trying to conceive threads I feel I don’t have any right posting in. They are filled with women struggling for their first child, what right have I, a woman blessed with 2 beautiful children, got to invade their space? I offer them my support but keep my journey here.

It’s a hard road, a lonely road. And every journey is different, every path has different bumps and road blocks awaiting the traveller. Some sail through the journey with nary a scratch, while others come out battered and bruised. There’s no way of knowing which traveller you are until you take the first steps.

But it’s lonely out here, broken and alone.

Yep, it’s that time again. 2 weeks of rollercoaster riding here we come.

Please buckle up, hold on and remain seated until we come to a complete stop. 3rd Clomid cycle lucky?

This week I found out I had been betrayed by a friend.

My first instinct was to shut down, to close out anyone I wasn’t sure I could trust 100%. I even contemplated closing and deleting this blog. I felt completely vulnerable.

I began to question myself, I’ve always been completely open and honest with my life, should I start being more coy? More hidden? More private? Should I start censoring myself? Withdraw from encouraging new friendships? Limit myself to only those I know I can trust?

But then the pain started to subside and the anger set in. I haven’t done anything wrong. I am proud of my life and the way I live it. I am proud of my beautiful family and the decisions we have made as a family, for our family. I have done nothing to hide.

I can’t control other people’s actions, but I can control my reactions and I won’t let their actions stop me living my life openly and proudly. I am who I am. And I am proud.

Layla Grace, a stranger on Twitter, a little girl fighting Neuroblastoma, touching the hearts of all who read her story, me included.

Layla Grace’s story was a little too close to home for me to brush past it.  18 months when she was diagnosed, I have an 18 month old.  2 years old when she passed, I have a 2 year old.  It is all to easy for me to imagine myself in her parents place, to imagine the crazy hurt they’re going through.  And while I’m sure that what I’m feeling is not even a hundredth of the pain they’re going through it hurts.  It hurts a whole lot. 

I’ve shed many tears for Layla Grace, a stranger on the other side of the world, a precious little life taken much too soon.  It’s so easy to get caught up in the day to day bustle of 2 young children, to get so caught up in all the unimportant stuff and forget to savour every second.  Every second is precious, every smile, hug, laugh, tantrum.  Precious.  

To sweet Layla Grace, you have touched the lives and hearts of so many.  Your story will never be forgotten.  Fly free sweet angel, free from pain forevermore.  The stars are shining a little brighter now you’re among them.   Much love and strength to Layla’s family as they grieve their tragic loss.

Hold your loved ones, hug them extra tight and remember to tell them you love them.  You can read Layla Grace’s story at www.laylagrace.org

I feel like I should be rattling with each step.  My plan this cycle is to buckle down and take all the supplements I had planned.  I’ve always been good at taking tablets but I’ve been struggling to get them down the last couple of months doesn’t help that there’s so many!  This is my current list:

Metformin 2 tablets a day

Calcium and magnesium – 2 tablets twice a day

Evening Primrose Oil (meant to help cervical mucus) – 3 tablets twice a day

Slippery elm (to help my heartburn, lots of damage from constant morning sickness x 2 pregnancies) 1 tablet 3 times a day

Cenovis Pregnancy and Breastfeeding 2 tablets a day

And tomorrow I’ll be chucking in 2 Clomid tablets a day just for fun. 

So if you hear something rattling around, it’s just me.