This is the first time in our years spent TTC that I have really and truly felt broken. I was so sure, all the signs seemed to point towards it being successful this cycle. And then the disappointment, the heartbreak, the feeling that feels like your soul is being crushed.

It’s been over 12 months, 3 FSH cycles, 3 Clomid cycles. The strain the hormones have put on our relationship is awful. The mood swings, the impatience, the bitchiness. It’s awful. I hate it. I hate that my body is putting us through this. I hate feeling so broken, so ineffective. I am a woman, I am designed to create life so why do I have to fight so hard for it? Why is it so easy for some while others have to face this soul destroying feeling of emptiness.

I always wanted a big family, always dreamt of having 6 kids when I was growing up. I love the idea of a house full of children and noise and love and laughter. But at this point, just the thought of facing 1 more cycle is proving more than I can think about. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to push on through this before I say enough.

I hate putting my family through this. Hate that it is my fault that we’re going through it, my broken body that is causing this. I hate that I’m no longer the person I was way back at the start of this journey. I hate the jealousy and all the other negative emotions this journey brings with it. I hate being bitter. I hate being broken.

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