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There’s a whole lot of guilty feelings tied up with the good ones this pregnancy.

Guilt for those that have been left behind – for my friends and acquaintances who are still trying and hoping for their precious blessing.  It’s so hard knowing that people who would make the most wonderful parents are struggling to get there while here I am blessed with another 2.

Mother-guilt, oh there’s a touch of mother-guilt in everything you do that isn’t directly for your children.  I am a hideously boring mummy at the moment, most days spent on the couch feeling miserable and sorry for myself.  Patience levels are low and crankiness is high.  Not a great mix with 2 energetic toddlers.

Guilt at being a crappy wife – my husband goes to work, then comes home and takes over the children, tidies the house, cooks dinner, runs out to get anything I’m craving and puts up with a lot of hormones and tears.  He’s done all this with much grace but it is still hard not to feel guilty as he cleans while I lay on the couch.

Fears – whole lot of fears in the package too, can I bake these babies long enough to ensure they’re strong and healthy at birth?  Am I eating enough to give them all the nutrients they need?  How am I going to cope with 2 toddlers and 2 newborns?  Will I miss out on important parts of the boys toddlerhood while I’m in the newborn fog?

I’m finding it hard to switch off my brain at the moment, so there are lots of thoughts and lots of tears, I guess the reality of 2 new babies on their way is slowly starting to set in.

I’m 15 weeks now, twins are growing beautifully and doing everything they should but my oh my is it hard work. Exhaustion is 24/7, morning sickness is daily, sometimes just in the morning and sometimes all day, food aversions are making eating HARD, as is the reflux. Yesterday it honestly felt like something was trying to claw it’s way up my throat.

I have days of feeling heavy heavy heavy in my pelvis, I think it coincides with the twins having a little growth spurt. Sleep is very interrupted with lots of waking and tossing and turning.

But I have started to feel flutters of movement and yesterday I had 2 quite firm kicks so I think it won’t be long until Thommo can feel the babies move too. Those flutters make up for everything and remind me about what all this discomfort is for. We’re going to have 2 beautiful new members for our family, 2 squishy little babies to snuggle and love and watch grow. How awesome is that?