Virtually no babymaking at the right time around here this cycle. Least I know for sure not to get my hopes up this time.

After my woe is me post last night I recieved this beautiful email from a dear friend today:

Hey beautiful girl,

Your last blog entry really upset me. I hate that you are feeling like you are alone and do not belong. I also hate myself for inflicting my stupid little nuances and freakouts on you, when we have only been at this for a couple of months, and you have had your heartbroken over and over again for over a year.

Just because you already have two beautiful boys does not make you less deserving of a child than a first timer. You deserve to have a hundred children. You have an enormous heart filled to the brim with love, and you should be able to share that love with as many children as possible.

I know over the past couple of years I’ve been a pretty sucky friend. I didn’t get it. I missed the “old” Megs. How stupid was I? The wonderfully strong woman, the wife and mother you have become makes me in awe of you. I want to be just like you. I want to follow in your footsteps.

I know some days are really tough for you and this journey is heartbreaking and soulwrenching and altogether destroying, but in this case I guess the end really does justify the means.

Look at your boys and smile honey, because they are why you are doing this. They make it all worthwhile and they will give you strength to keep doing what you have to do.
Just remember that you are never alone.

Talk to you soon darling.

 

I have beautiful friends who are ready to pick me up whenever I’m down.  Sure they might make me bawl my eyes out in the process, but my oh my do they make me feel loved, special and walked with.  They might not be able to travel the journey with me, but they sure as heck stand cheering on the side lines. 

And the best bit, I have several of them who look after me so well.  How truly lucky am I?

This journey is a lonely one. Yes, I have friends who I can confide in and a husband to hold me when I cry. But at the end of the day, their lives continue while I’m swallowing pillows, injecting and pee-ing on sticks.

Many forums have TTC threads but even there it’s hard to find a place where I belong. In the standard threads I’m too cynical, have been hurt by this journey too many times and seen others hurt worse than me to be able to look at it with any kind of joy. And the ever increasing pregnancy count cuts like a knife. The long term trying to conceive threads I feel I don’t have any right posting in. They are filled with women struggling for their first child, what right have I, a woman blessed with 2 beautiful children, got to invade their space? I offer them my support but keep my journey here.

It’s a hard road, a lonely road. And every journey is different, every path has different bumps and road blocks awaiting the traveller. Some sail through the journey with nary a scratch, while others come out battered and bruised. There’s no way of knowing which traveller you are until you take the first steps.

But it’s lonely out here, broken and alone.

Yep, it’s that time again. 2 weeks of rollercoaster riding here we come.

Please buckle up, hold on and remain seated until we come to a complete stop. 3rd Clomid cycle lucky?

This week I found out I had been betrayed by a friend.

My first instinct was to shut down, to close out anyone I wasn’t sure I could trust 100%. I even contemplated closing and deleting this blog. I felt completely vulnerable.

I began to question myself, I’ve always been completely open and honest with my life, should I start being more coy? More hidden? More private? Should I start censoring myself? Withdraw from encouraging new friendships? Limit myself to only those I know I can trust?

But then the pain started to subside and the anger set in. I haven’t done anything wrong. I am proud of my life and the way I live it. I am proud of my beautiful family and the decisions we have made as a family, for our family. I have done nothing to hide.

I can’t control other people’s actions, but I can control my reactions and I won’t let their actions stop me living my life openly and proudly. I am who I am. And I am proud.

Layla Grace, a stranger on Twitter, a little girl fighting Neuroblastoma, touching the hearts of all who read her story, me included.

Layla Grace’s story was a little too close to home for me to brush past it.  18 months when she was diagnosed, I have an 18 month old.  2 years old when she passed, I have a 2 year old.  It is all to easy for me to imagine myself in her parents place, to imagine the crazy hurt they’re going through.  And while I’m sure that what I’m feeling is not even a hundredth of the pain they’re going through it hurts.  It hurts a whole lot. 

I’ve shed many tears for Layla Grace, a stranger on the other side of the world, a precious little life taken much too soon.  It’s so easy to get caught up in the day to day bustle of 2 young children, to get so caught up in all the unimportant stuff and forget to savour every second.  Every second is precious, every smile, hug, laugh, tantrum.  Precious.  

To sweet Layla Grace, you have touched the lives and hearts of so many.  Your story will never be forgotten.  Fly free sweet angel, free from pain forevermore.  The stars are shining a little brighter now you’re among them.   Much love and strength to Layla’s family as they grieve their tragic loss.

Hold your loved ones, hug them extra tight and remember to tell them you love them.  You can read Layla Grace’s story at www.laylagrace.org

I feel like I should be rattling with each step.  My plan this cycle is to buckle down and take all the supplements I had planned.  I’ve always been good at taking tablets but I’ve been struggling to get them down the last couple of months doesn’t help that there’s so many!  This is my current list:

Metformin 2 tablets a day

Calcium and magnesium – 2 tablets twice a day

Evening Primrose Oil (meant to help cervical mucus) – 3 tablets twice a day

Slippery elm (to help my heartburn, lots of damage from constant morning sickness x 2 pregnancies) 1 tablet 3 times a day

Cenovis Pregnancy and Breastfeeding 2 tablets a day

And tomorrow I’ll be chucking in 2 Clomid tablets a day just for fun. 

So if you hear something rattling around, it’s just me.

This is the first time in our years spent TTC that I have really and truly felt broken. I was so sure, all the signs seemed to point towards it being successful this cycle. And then the disappointment, the heartbreak, the feeling that feels like your soul is being crushed.

It’s been over 12 months, 3 FSH cycles, 3 Clomid cycles. The strain the hormones have put on our relationship is awful. The mood swings, the impatience, the bitchiness. It’s awful. I hate it. I hate that my body is putting us through this. I hate feeling so broken, so ineffective. I am a woman, I am designed to create life so why do I have to fight so hard for it? Why is it so easy for some while others have to face this soul destroying feeling of emptiness.

I always wanted a big family, always dreamt of having 6 kids when I was growing up. I love the idea of a house full of children and noise and love and laughter. But at this point, just the thought of facing 1 more cycle is proving more than I can think about. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to push on through this before I say enough.

I hate putting my family through this. Hate that it is my fault that we’re going through it, my broken body that is causing this. I hate that I’m no longer the person I was way back at the start of this journey. I hate the jealousy and all the other negative emotions this journey brings with it. I hate being bitter. I hate being broken.

Broken 😦

I’m probably completely jinxing myself by blogging this but there you go.

Yesterday afternoon I had a horrible dizzy spell, head spinning, hands shaking, felt really week. Took a good hour for it to pass completely.

Temperature is up today. And no sign of spot at 10dpo.

Insane crazy teary person – that’s been me! Thommo and I were having a discussion about money goals and I bawled. Yeah. Totally rational. There have been serveral other sobbing incidents but I figured I’ve embarassed myself enough.

Operation Do Not Test is rapidly turning into Operation Drive Megan Insane. Wonder if I can get Thommo to give me an early reprieve? Time off for good behaviour and all?